Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
