At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
