So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Floor bacon is actually really good
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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