her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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