Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
