Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
