Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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