every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
