ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
