we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
