i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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