70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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