Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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