Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
