When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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