So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
