you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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