I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
