Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
