Swine flu. Run for my life!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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