I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i think i just lost a toe
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
