Cold hands, warm shart.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I CAN MOONWALK!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
