It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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