I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
