I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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