I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
