Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
