if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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