Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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