When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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