Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
