At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
