He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
