I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
