Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize