Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
