how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
