OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
