You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
