I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
