You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Pants are for mortals
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize