Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
