I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
