you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
