I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
