I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
