I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
