There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize