you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize