We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
