she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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