Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
