Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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