allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
