No stitches, just platelets and will power
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
