I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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