Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
