did you get engaged???
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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