I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
